I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
