She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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