i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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