please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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