I think I won the penis lottery.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
