Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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