I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
