1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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