my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
