he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
