Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
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Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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