I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
