my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
