Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
