You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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