wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
