If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
he had hair everywhere except his balls
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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