now i know why i became what i already was.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
