I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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