i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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