No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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