When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
