I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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