Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
