Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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