Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
