and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
