Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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