lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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