When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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