there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
