Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
