I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
