I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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