that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
