I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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