I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
