you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
