we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
