This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
