when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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