the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I can't put those talents on a resume
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
