Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
