i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
