I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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