____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
