I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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