Define "chronic" masturbator.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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