If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
