You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
