Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
