I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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