he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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