I just gift wrapped bread.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
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Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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