New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
